It’s interesting when you look back after you got realization because you see all the little events that led up to this point as if Mother’s just pulling you there. When I was 14 I started reading poetry and I felt I want to be one with God, I want to be one with God. It sort of came and went and I had some difficult times and I went to college at 19, 18 and I thought, what am I doing here? I want to be with God, this is such a waste and I remember I got out the Bible, I thought maybe I’ll find God here. I open the Bible, no, I won’t find God here and I was really feeling desperate and then, like Pam, I felt his voice coming to me and say, don’t worry, when the time is right I will come for you. I just went, okay and I relaxed and then I went throught university and I kind of overworked myself etc., and I left college and I thought now is my time, I’m going to find the joy that I felt I’d lost, I’m going to find myself. I earned money and I went off traveling I was going to go to Australia. I left London never coming back here again, don’t like the city at all and I went off and I ended up traveling around India for five months and I was really looking for yoga in a cave something and I kept meeting, all these people who I’d met, the false gurus like Rajneesh, all these different people and each one had a really bad experience to tell me. I thought, not going there.
Finally, one day I was in the jungle in this wild life sanctuary and someone had given me on my travels a copy of the Upanishads, this beautiful book translated by a realized soul and I started reading it and it’s the poetry of their experiences of union with God. I thought, this is what I want, I want to feel this, I want to feel this joy. The next day, I met someone in the hotel I was staying at who had just come from a public program with Shri Mataji and I asked them, I kept asking people, actually I had this strange feeling, I must ask them if they’d been anywhere, seen anyone and I was a bit shy and I thought, no, no, you got to ask them. They gave me this leafletand so they gave me this leaflet Sahaja yoga, unique discovery. I didn’t understand a word of it, it was very intellectual about parasympathetic systems but it said that Mother could cure physical problems.
At that time I didn’t realize it but I had anorexia and insomnia which I felt was really getting in the way of my leading a balanced life. I found out where Shri Mataji was going to be and so, to leave out some details, anyway, I went to Delhi and arrived just at the beginning of her week-long lectures she was giving. I went to the place and actually Gregoire met me and invited me in for tea. Shri Mataji was there and I met her but my chakras at this time were so blocked I really couldn’t recognize her in any way. I stayed for the program and they gave me realization and I didn’t really feel anything. I felt like something shot up my arm and that was it and then they said, you’ve got it, go bow down. So I went to Shri Mataji and she said, very good left nabhi. She asked me if I was a vegetarian actually, which I wasn’t and then I went home and I got in this rickshaw and I went back to the hotel and I sat down to have supper and for the first time in four years I ate my meal and there was no thoughts in my head of – don’t eat this you’ll get fat. This is what anorexia does, it talks to you the whole time. I went, oh, wow, that feels really nice. Then I went to sleep and I felt like I slept 14 hours and I woke up and it had only been 8 and I went, mygoodness. I thought, ah, there’s something special here and it’s interesting because how Mother pulls you in with, you know, you have your desire but she pulls you in and she gives you what you were looking for at that time. It’s like she goes, okay, this is your hook, this is your lure. I went back again to the next program but I couldn’t go every night. It was like physically I couldn’t handle the vibration and I wanted to go but I couldn’t and I would just literally spend the day waiting for the next day and then I’d go to the program and they were very kind everyone. I couldn’t feel a thing and they tried to sort of work on me. In fact, Shri Maddie at this point gave me neck cracks and she said, it’s Vishuddhi, Vishuddhi. I didn’t feel anything but I really liked the yogis. For the first time I’ve been traveling for seven months at this point with lots of other young people. I wasn’t a hippie but I was kind of on the hippie trail and it was the first time I felt these are people like me. I can’t explain it any other way but I just felt this connection. Also, I was impressed and Bob Dunn was there, he was a doctor and he said, yeah, this is something really special, I got realization, I threw out all my books. I thought, oh, this is someone like me and he thinks there’s something special here. I kept going for like four or five days and it was like very nebulous. I knew I felt there’s something special here but I didn’t know what it was and I can see this is very much a period where people come in, they get realization and it’s so easy to get pulled off. I could feel things trying to tell me, go here, go there but something was stronger, was pulling me towards Shri Mataji. They said, we’re having a seminar in Douglas, I’m sure it was Douglas said come to the seminar and apparently everyone said, oh, Mother. she’s so caught up. Shri Mataji said, don’t worry, she’ll be all right. So sweet, Mother knew in your heart who you were, what you were. So I went and there was only like 30 yogis, it was just Sahaja yoga in England and in India, this was March 1979. Shri Mataji was sitting in the middle at the front and all the yogis were standing in a bandhan facing her. It’s an old treatment she had and we would sit and you’d put your Sahasrara and Chris would have his hand in my Sahasrara and the person at the right at the left hand side would have their hand towards Shri Mataji, taking vibrations. It would go all the way around the half circle and the person at the end would have their hand out. She asked, is everybody feeling vibrations in both hands, both sides?
Suddenly, for the first time I realized, yes, I’m feeling cool down my right but nothing in the left, absolutely nothing. She called me, she said, come out and sit in front of me. I knelt down, she said, put your hand on your heart and ask the question: Shri Mataji, is this the power of the Holy Spirit? Is this the power of the Paramchaitanya? I remember suddenly it was like this cold breeze coming towards me and it was like whoosh, my Kundalini must have just gone boiling and I felt like this huge weight from off my shoulders, you know when they say the weight off your shoulders, that’s what it felt like. Suddenly, it was like I was awake and up in the world and sort of alive and I felt like it was kind of amazing, I was in this new experience. Over the next couple of hours I felt like I got my soul back again. I suddenly felt like writing poetry, the whole of my left side opened up, but still I never felt anything in my hands. At that point I realized, I realized this is it. I felt like I’m swimming in this water and Shri Mataji’s up there and she’s put this straw down and if I just hold on to this straw, I’ll be all right. She said, come back to London, which I vowed never to go near again because there was only Sahaja yoga in India and in London at the time. I felt if I can learn to live in London through Sahaja yoga, then I can learn to live anywhere. I was very impressed with the Indian Sahaja yogis because they had so much joy and love and I felt this is what I want. I sort of wanted to share that it doesn’t matter if you don’t feel vibrations in your hands because I didn’t for like six months. I never felt anything but I did feel things inside. Shri Mataji would say that I had a lot of problems when I came. I was very blocked in my chakras and she would say, look at Felicity, look how she’s come up. I always say, if I could do it, anyone can do it. You should never feel, there’s a problem with me. It’s just surface and you just give patience and time and it comes out. One time she said to me, whatever your problems Felicity, you are always sincere and honest. I felt that’s the key, if you just can be honest with yourself and you be sincere, Mother works everything out. Amazing.